Dirty Computer; An Epiphany

Wow.
I am deceased.
My eyes have been opened.
I have been reborn.
I have seeen the light! Can the house say Amen?

You might have deduced that I have seen Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae. Remember when I said that Pynk made me jealous about the queers having an ode to their vagina, while straight folk like me are still struggling to be seen with 'Flawless' and 'Needed Me'? Well, clearly I had no idea.

Last night I got on YouTube and watched the 'emotion picture', Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae. It's free so go on and watch. One song in and I was already feeling like my life was wasted. By the time I got to the end, I was in crisis. I had to sit down and apologize to myself for the criminal neglect, all the dust I've been paying myself since forever. On Friday I wrote about the patriarchy becoming personal, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. From burning the bra to #Freethenipple, to #metoo it's all a struggle to get men to treat us as valid humans. It's like we need them to; in order to be able to validate our own beings...Today, I completely dismiss the patriarchy from my consciousness. They have taken up enough real estate in my life for too long. My son is grown, if he wants to believe the hype, that's his decision and his life.
 Not my monkey, not my circus. Let his future girlfriends deal with his shit.

As for me, I have my own journey to begin; so so late but it's never too late.
I wrote a post on Tumblr a few weeks ago about my infancy as a sexual being. 20+ years of sexual activity and I don't even really know what I like, what I hate, what works, what doesn't. I love myself as a person, as an intellectual, as a mother but do I even know myself as a woman? When I look in the mirror and I think, "Ugh, this v-neck is too low." while also thinking, "Damn I like the way it looks though." Then proceed to cover up my upper body with a sweater, or coat..who am I covering up for? Is it me? Do I dress with me in mind or with the male gaze and judgemental female gaze judging me for attracting the male gaze? Why the fuck can't I just dress for me? I'm not saying this right. I don't know how to say this right.

For the first time, watching Dirty Computer, I felt SEEN. Like just me, not as a factor of someone else's thoughts, feelings or expectations. I felt like my life was wasted because of the simplicity of Jane's relationships in those videos. The complete lack of artifice, the honesty, the looking at the other person and really seeing who they are. And I felt despair because as a straight person I felt like that possibility of that kind of relationship is closed to me.
But then the truth is that I also fell in love...With myself.
And I realized that I gotta look at myself like that. Really see me. Stop blocking the me that is a sexual being out because of things that happened long ago. Acknowledge the fact that me is enough. Everyone was enough in the emotion picture. Enough in themselves and so enough for each other. I want someone to wanna kiss my nose in the morning not just my vagina.
I even tried to make the case to myself about maybe being bisexual. But since I don't know what to do with my own equipment, I doubt adding another one to the mix will make things any clearer.

My queen, Rihanna, is releasing lingerie soon, all sizes included of course - you know she is the QUEEN of inclusion - and the promo is just coming out. And one of the models in the promo wore a bridal veil with white lingerie while being interviewed by someone off camera. She said she didn't see marriage for herself because as far as she can tell, guys just want to bust a nut and then they're done. And I was in so much agreement I might have tried to burst through the phone screen to scream "YAAASSS sis. Exactly."
That's why I am in despair of ever experiencing any of the joy and connection as depicted in Dirty Computer unless I can somehow convince myself I'm gay or at least bi. But even without the relationship part of it, I love the self-acceptance that the emotion picture gave me. Acceptance of all my glorious womanhood. I just ended my period (I think. You never know with these things. You think it's over and then ooop, there you are again) and the other day while I was in the loo contemplating the various ways in which menstruation is set up to torture me, I thought about writing a blog post about it. But then I thought, no, nobody writes about menstruation, it's a private, secret, disgusting part of womanhood that no one wants to know about.
Who is no one?
Is it women? Because all cis women be in this same boat with me.
But we don't discuss periods, or birth control or abortions or even orgasms except in secret away from the male gaze because God forbid they have to deal with all these tiresome women's issues right?
These issues are not important.
They're not valid.
But then Janelle Monae came and did a dance as a vagina and finally someone dared to show that oh, this is a great thing. This is womanhood. This is the core of humanity. Without this nobody exists.

And while I did indeed wake up like this, and he did indeed need me, I'm done looking for that validation. I'm breaking out of the patriarchy jail and embracing every aspect of my inner Savage. If you thought I was crazy before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
Freedom!

When The Patriarchy Gets Personal

Today I took a personal hit to the solar plexus courtesy of Chris Brown and his effect on young boys. See, my son idolizes him for some reason, as do many young men of his age. I don't know why they idolize him, perhaps someone can tell me what the appeal is.
Is it the tattoos?
The dancing?
The songs that all sound alike?
Why him?
Why not Drake for example?
Or Migos?

Anyways, before I completely disappear down the rabbit hole, I have to tell you why I took a hit. As usual, my son was going on about the various ways that Chris Brown is the greatest human to ever live and wondering why he doesn't get on all the talk shows like Ellen 'n 'em. And I say, "Well son, because he's controversial."
And he's like but if Migos can go on Ellen why can't Chris Brown?
I'm sorry, I don't know Migos' history very well but I don't recall any stories of domestic violence or anger management or domestic violence or criminal convictions, stalker behavior, physical and emotional abuse...am I leaving anything out?
Anyway, so my son dismissed all these things as irrelevant.
All the things Chris Brown did are irrelevant because well...Chris Brown.
And that's why I ask, why him? What's so special about him?
That's the point at which I began to get worried. I decided to reiterate in case I hadn't ever mentioned it, that domestic violence of any kind is not okay. There is no circumstance, no context, that makes it okay.

Just yesterday, was it? Someone was trying to dismiss Keli's claims of physical abuse by saying she fought back. That someone was on the internet. My son was right in front of me when he made the same argument. When he said, domestic violence is justifiable in some cases.
My heart is broken into a million pieces. I don't know what to do about this. This is how the patriarchy wins.
For years, I have known that people have Cro-Magnon ideas about women and relationships but I've just dissociated myself from anyone with those types of views or ignored them. But now it's right in my home and I don't know how it got here. But it's people like Chris Brown that make it okay. It's letting Donald Trump pass with all his misogyny and racism and ignorance.
No.
It's enabling these people that teaches young boys that such behavior is not only acceptable, it is rewarded. And all the screaming in the world won't change that.

Great Expectations, Harsh Reality

Last week Kanye wanted to be water and this week, he's supporting Republicans. This is not a new thing. Probably Kanye has supported Republicans ever since Obama called him an asshole and didn't invite him to his super-duper White House black people gatherings that he invited Jay and Bey to and everyone else...
Except for Kanye.
And then he has this beef with Jay...I don't know where it came from. Is he that mad that Blue doesn't have play dates with North? He wanted Jay to come over when Kim got robbed? That would have been awkward man. First of all, it's not like the Carters and Kim really get along so why would they be invading her space when she's already traumatized? Jay called because he wanted to know what he could do without making Kanye's wife uncomfortable. I know it's nice when people actually show up for us like physically.
But are they really friends like that?

As far as I can see, Jay never had any friends. Everyone except Swizz Beatz who's ever worked with him seems to have a problem with him. He's not seen hanging out with anyone except Beyonce's family. It's only after therapy that you see him in social settings with the likes of Diddy. And that's probably more business than pleasure. He's at the street corner where the hustlers be; it's not a safe place to have friends.
My point is Kanye expecting more than Jay can probably give.
And we, the public, are expecting more from Kanye than he can give. His recent tweets have Twitter in a tizzy of upset and confusion. But if you step back and look at what this Candace person says, Kanye has pretty much said a lot of those things already. Of course, he likes how she thinks. She takes pot shots at Obama, at Jay Z, at all those people who are not giving Kanye the 'respect he deserves'. Of course, he likes how she thinks.
It's just not that deep.

Are you looking for Kanye to save you?
Are you looking for anybody to save you?
Stop looking.
Nobody's coming.
We have to save ourselves. We have to be our own Kanyes. Shout out our own work and blow our own trumpets.
It's just not that deep.

It's been a bit of a depressing week. I hate when I have an assignment to do and I don't finish it on time. Especially when I really need the money. So I was super stressed and broke and my arm starts really hurting so I can't type. The topic of my assignment was Female Domination. Now if you want to know what a patriarchal world we live in, try and google that term and see what the search results are. In spite of how widespread male submission apparently is, not much data is available about it out there. And the few semi-academic articles I could find on the subject tended to treat male submission as some sort of mental illness or failing as far as the man involved is concerned. The ebook I was writing was meant to be a sort of guide for men looking into that aspect of BDSM so I didn't think writing about how it's a mental illness would be helpful. Lack of data is also very frustrating.
Anyway, there I was; stressed, depressed, broke and behind deadline and my arm was hurting from all the typing. So what did I do?
I asked my eighteen-year-old son to write me a page so I could rest. Also, he's very narrow-minded as far as the whole man-woman dynamic is concerned and I thought I'd expand his horizons.
He was writing while exclaiming the whole time. But he actually did give me a page I could use so win-win. Plus he learned some new stuff about men and hopefully it will lead to a greater understanding of himself.
See you don't need Kanye or any celebrity to save you. The tools to save yourself are all in your mind, you just have to broaden it.
 How do you do that?
Reading is always a great place to start.
Visit my author page and get started.

Artistes As Inspiration

Kanye West wants to be water.
I went to bed just ruminating on that. Does that mean he wants to be adaptable according to his surroundings? Solid, liquid or gas? Or maybe he wants to be fluid and fit in any space. Is that the same thing? Anyway, I haven't figured it out.
Also, he said his wife is the Marie Antoinette of our time.
Does anyone know anything flattering about Marie Antoinette?
Because I've been trying to reconcile Kanye's dedication to his wife with him comparing her to a woman who could not relate to her subjects and was ultimately beheaded by them. But then it's Kanye. Maybe he means to say Kim can't relate to her subjects.
Except...
That's not really accurate, is it?
So I'm stumped.
But in a good way. I love figuring things out and this is a puzzle.

Hey guys.
How are you doing?
I know my posts have slowed down a lot. Life comes at you fast sometimes so I've kind of been paddling frantically trying to keep my head above water. It drains your energy; leaves nothing for the writing. I'm eaten up with guilt at how much I'm neglecting my WIPs. Especially the fanfics because I have people actively waiting for updates.
I'm so sorry guys. But I gotta take care of me first.
If you have some patience though, I will get to them.
Did you see Beychella? I just watched it and that's why I got up off my ass to write this. If that almost forty-year-old woman can dance and sing for one hour without being this guy...

Well, I have no excuse for not writing a damn blog post now do I?
Oh, a fun thing happened to me, twice in the last week. I fell off a boda-boda. That's a motorbike used as a transport from place to place for those who don't speak the language. I think it was even the same guy who caused both spills. It's been rainy and wet and I think this guy wasn't that experienced at balancing. So twice this week, I been found myself on the ground.
Covered in mud.
Joints stinging from when I reached out to break my fall with my hands.
Muscle injury, leg swelled.
Not very, just slightly but my body feels so battered.
Normally I'd have tried to play through the pain, get some work done, ignore it. But the new and improved me had a hot bath, took painkillers and aspirin, put my foot up on a pillow and went to bed.
Why did I put take an aspirin and my foot up on a pillow you ask?
Blood clots.
I heard that injuries such as the one I got can cause a blood clot to form and ultimately lead to DVT. Not on my watch though. I ain't dying till I've seen at least one grandchild born and raised. *knocks on wood*

Speaking of triumph over adversity, a story just came out about my number one fave. It details the fact that the record label she was on, Def Jam, considered dropping her together with Taira Marie (sp?) because their numbers weren't doing as well as the studio would have liked. So what Rihanna's manager, named Jordan did was use her money to finance music videos. For three albums basically, Rihanna was financing her own music while her finance managers mismanaged her. She almost went broke. Received minimal support from her label and here she is, the biggest superstar on earth.
People love to say that Rihanna is a record-label-produced star. That she's a puppet whose strings are pulled by others. I'm glad this story has come out to show that that clearly isn't the case. She worked hard, used her own resources, went on tour continuously for practically two years, sued her finance managers and got her money back, did seven albums in seven years while working NON STOP and doing Mac collaborations and River Island Collaborations and Puma and Moschino and finally Fenty Beauty...she did it all.
Through controversy and hateration in the dancerie and plowing every last cent into herself...here she is. Self-belief man.
You can't succeed without it.

I need to go finish at least one of my WIPs. I am not living my full potential y'all.
Are you?
Speaking of full potential, has anyone seen the Janelle Monae video for Pynk? That video made me feel things. Like what have I been doing with my life all this time that I haven't thought to celebrate my vagina in such a way? Clearly, I'm not living my best life. Something has to change.
I'm serious. I can't die before this happens. There has to be a way. Of course it does not escape my notice that Janelle is bi. Us straight girls be singing about 'Boy Bye' and 'You Needed Me' while the queers have Pynk. Something ain't right people. We need to reevaluate. @ me.

Okay so before I go into NSFW zone, I'm gonna stop. Have you visited my author page yet? It's author page April, so do so. You get a lot more choices there than if you just click on Amazon. 

May I Read Your Palm?

Yes yes, where have I been, blah blah? I get it. I have been AWOL. Life is sometimes a bitch.
And then you die.

However, I didn't die so here I am, bringing you some new, exciting, scintillating, amusing, educational, inspirational content.
Or am I?
We'll see. How about we get started?
So, yesterday on Twitter, there was this post doing the rounds about how men describe women in literature. That led to another writer asking people to describe themselves as a character in their stories. The answers to that post made me write a mini post about it on Tumblr because wow.
I don't know if you guys know that the narratives that you tell yourselves about yourselves are projected outward for the world to see.
So if you tell me that for example: "She's thirty-five years old, is quite pretty with makeup and doesn't give a fuck' what I hear is, she's self-conscious about getting older and insecure about her looks. She also tries to protect herself from criticism by pretending she doesn't care.
You give a fuck honey.
People who have no fucks to give also have no time to tell you about the fucks they don't have to give. It's simply apparent by how unmoved they are by your attacks/trolling/opinions. See: Chrissy Teigen.
Besides the whole "IDGAF" thing is very 2012. Rihanna moved on and so should you.

Much worse than that, there were some women who COULD NOT describe themselves because of "societal mores". I don't know what that means. What I do know is that how you view YOURSELF should be a very personal thing coming from your own inner sense of self. Let other people think that you're TOO fat, or TOO dark or TOO skinny or TOO ugly. That's their business and their perspective. You should have yours. You should know who you are and what you like about yourself. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, drop everything you're doing and find out because this is the single most important thing you will ever do. If you don't know who you are, you basically don't know anything. You can't have an opinion if you don't know who you are, you can't get to know somebody because you rely on other people's perceptions to tell you what you should think. You've basically erased yourself.                                                                                                                                            I don't know how one grows up without any knowledge of who they are, so I don't know how you fix it. I suspect it comes down to paying attention to yourself, finding out what you like, and what you don't. Trusting your gut. And loving yourself. I think. I'm no expert on emotional intelligence. 

It saddens me that so many people don't know how to love themselves. Like if I had time I would probably sit here angsting about it for a bit. But I can't because I have a test page to write for a new client and a fanfic to begin for a Big Bang.                                                                                                        

   On the book front, it's been a pretty demoralizing March. Amazon continues to be the douche bag we all know and love, making it difficult for authors to price books, making it difficult for those books to be found, making it difficult to know if they even tell you about every sale. So my new thing is promoting my author page where there are other vendors that books can be bought from. It's also a place where you can compare prices and get my free books for free. You might have noticed, or maybe not, that my free books are not free on Amazon. That's their shit, not mine. Every other vendor has them priced for free. So that's one advantage. Another is that I'm gonna host a giveaway for my mailing list. Whoever buys a book from a vendor OTHER THAN Amazon can post me the link to their email and I will reward them with another book of their choosing. Isn't that A-MAZ-ING? Of course, it is and you're excited. I can tell.

  Other than that, I'd like to give you a bit of homework in the comments. Please describe yourself as you would your heroine in a novel. Give me 100 words. Nothing negative.

We're gonna have a good April. I can feel it.