Is Integrity the Unicorn of the Trump Era?

I love Colin Kaepernick. Like, in my heart. To me, he is a shining beacon of integrity in a sea of selfishness and spinelessness. I read the background to his story, how he grew up, his conscious choice to embrace his identity and to stand up, or kneel, for injustice. It's compelling reading especially since some of the people he's standing up for ridicule him.
"Oh, what does he know? His parents are white."
"Who does he think he is anyway?"
And my personal favorite, "Colin is no Mohamed Ali. He's supported only by the radio guy (cthagod) and (someone else I forget who) - to which I added, + me.
Seriously?
Like people don't even seem to get the point. It's hard to live in this world if you are of above average intelligence...sigh.

Speaking of integrity...did you read Lupita's essay on Harvey Weinstein? It was so vivid that I was triggeredT. I was right there with her when she was wondering what to do with this guy wanting to give her a massage, in his bedroom, with his kids in the house.
With his kids in the house!
Like, do you predators have any shame at all? Is there no line in the sand you will not cross? I saw a discussion on a facebook group which I was very tempted to screenshot and Instagram where some guys were blaming everything from the chicks being bitter (including his wife) to how there is no innocent party, to how it's 'tricky' to it takes two...yeah, one to say no and the other to ignore it.
The lengths people will go to, to not have to look in the mirror and recognize themselves...the mind boggles.
Mayim Bialik also wrote an opinion piece in which she basically asked 'not so attractive' girls who might feel left out of the "the casting couch" experience, not to worry. Somebody somewhere would find them attractive enough. It wasn't clear if she meant attractive enough to sexually assault or...
Anyways, I don't blame her.
Just like I don't blame white men for not seeing what the big deal is with white supremacy. Discrimination is totally outside their experience and unless they truly apply themselves to understand what happens, it's all Greek to them. You can't blame someone for not having experienced what you have. You can only hope that they try to educate themselves before opening their mouths.

On the other side of the coin, and I left my judgment hat at the laundry FYI, is the reaction of the - for lack of better word - victim. Lupita said no. She said no in spite of the fact that she had everything to lose. Lena Headey also said no. Cara Delevigne started singing so that she could get out of there without kissing anyone.
The point is that there is not just one way for this to go. Just because you're the target of harassment doesn't mean that you have to agree to be harassed...and then agree to be paid off afterward. Because doing that casts doubt on the next woman who claims sexual harassment. It becomes a question of "how much?"
How much is your dignity worth? Your self-respect? Is there a number?
I get it, some women are scared, they don't know how to say no, etc. That's why this is not judgment. It's pointing out for those who don't know, that there is another way. It might be more difficult but I bet ultimately, you can sleep better at night.

Because on the other side of sexual harassment is entrapment. A woman saying that Nelly raped her on his tour bus...another woman holding a press conference to say Usher gave her STIs...the ultimate aim was/is money and fame. Now, nobody is saying women can't be as money grubbing and conniving as, well, the next woman. But it's women like this that also make it difficult for women who experience genuine assault to be believed.
Again the question arises...
"How much?"
And I know you're gonna say, "But what if Nelly really raped her?"
Well, maybe he did. Ultimately only the two of them know. But I believe him. I believe him because I've watched him on his reality show with his kids for whom he is the sole breadwinner. I have seen him with his girls. And I've seen predators and how they act around women. Nelly is not a predator. He does not display any signs of misogyny, of seeing women as objects. More importantly, he is not a dumbass. He's not going to risk his freedom, his livelihood or his family for the opportunity to allegedly subjugate a woman on a bus.
Why?
Even if he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, aren't there enough willing women? Why force somebody? It makes no sense.
Even R.Kelly's girls went to him of their own free will. He didn't make them. So we condemn him for preying on young girls when one of those young girls met him outside his pedophilia trial. Where were her parents? She must have been all of 15. How did she get there? What did she want?
What is the role of free will in sexual situations?
I personally would have given my left arm to be given the choice these girls had. The choice of knowledge. Of knowing what you were getting into.

but I'm 'sleep tho...

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. In honor of #booklaunchforcharity I did a mini virtual book tour and two of the interviews are out. Read them here and here.

Boom Boom Boom Boom. Bang Bang Bang Bang.

That song has been ringing in my head ever since last week's episode of Empire...
Anyway...
And it was appropriate for the heading of this post.

So a bunch of terrorists claiming to be ISIS shot up Paris day before yesterday. It was very sad. CNN had updates all day yesterday as a result. Twitter started a hashtag #PrayforParis. Art was drawn to commemorate this horrible thing that happened...
I'm not saying its wasn't horrible. Hell I shed some tears for them. Its sad that people have to resort to this kind of mayhem to communicate. Its Piers Morgan who said though that more people were killed by guns in America in that same 48 hour period than were killed in the entire Paris Attack. Furthermore, the same day, Beirut was bombed. Did CNN mention it? I didn't see it squeezed in anywhere in the 24 hour coverage of Paris.

I guess we can't pray for everyone; we need to concentrate on the important ones. The ones that happen in the West right? Because obviously the rest of us third world dunderheads are used to dying anyway, it's normal to be shot up, kidnapped, bombed, our lives are not as important. Don't we get that?
Anyway, that's a story for another day; I'm not one for banging my head on a brick wall.
This post is about asking hard questions and getting difficult answers.
What is ISIS? Does anyone even know?
We are told that they started in Syria, some time after the world abandoned it, the UN council turned their backs on the possibility of rescuing Syrian citizens from being murdered by the state. They said, "It's not our problem."
Well it is now isn't it bitches?
But really how much do we really know about them? Who are they? What is their leadership structure? How do you confirm that every attack that claims to be ISIS is actually ISIS? Is ISIS simply some big fat boogeyman that the West invented to take credit for any attack that happens on Western soil in order to avoid dealing with the fact that shit happens within their borders and it is their fault? What happened to Al Qaeda? How come they don't exist anymore? Is it like a game of tag and ISIS is 'it' now?
How come ISIS takes all recruits? It's more 'disenfranchised of the world' rather than 'radical muslims'. And how does ISIS even find these people to be recruited. Is there an online form you fill and submit and then 'somebody will contact you at your earliest convenience'? Is there a secret facebook group maybe masquerading as 'Harry Potter Fans'? (the movies not the books). How does it come off as this all powerful, super secret thing which recruits from everywhere but nobody actually knows where and despite the NSA and satellites and shit, nobody ever finds out what they're doing...
I'm more inclined to believe that these guys wanted to blow up Paris for their own nefarious reasons and they planned it and did it and then 'ISIS' take the blame/credit probably to propagate hatred of muslims. That seems more logical to me.
Otherwise why does no one come forth with demands? When people commit an act of terror or whatever there is a reason behind it; they want something. But we're never told what these people want. Why they're doing this. And there doesn't seem to ever be an effort to find out. Its just oh, some guys blew us up; war, kill, bomb...make more radicals. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm sick of it.
Stop the hate!

This book is about another kind of hate; plus the power of love...cop it at smashwords below: http://bit.ly/1LmcX1s

Which Part of No Don't You Understand? The N or the O?

A few days ago when my son was home for mid-term, we were having a perfectly normal brunch consisting of dinner leftovers when he decided he wanted some juice. For me; first drink of the day has to be some hot beverage so when he asked if I wanted some juice as well, I said no. But he went and brought two glasses anyway and proceeded to tell me he was pouring me some juice anyway in that tone that said very clearly, “I know you want some.”

Now generally people use that tone with me…it doesn’t end well. But for me, there was a lot more at stake here because this was my son and there was just that something familiar that I’ve heard in male voices over the years. That something which says, ‘sure you said no but I know what you want better than you.’

It might seem harmless when it comes to pouring out a glass of juice but then it leaks into other things. It becomes ‘you don’t really mean it when you say no’. It becomes what I want trumps what you want. It becomes…bad things.

So I put my newspaper down and I turned my whole body to look at him and I said, “When I say no, I mean no. I do not want any juice. And when I say this, I want you to apply it not only to me when I say the word ‘no’ but to every single female you will ever meet.’

My son just nodded his head, sat the fuck down and didn’t say a word for about thirty minutes. I think I shocked him. I hope I did; I hope I shocked him hard enough for him to remember my words he next time he hears the word ‘no’ coming out of the mouth of a female.

After that incident, I thought about the talks that people have with their boy children these days and what they entail. Usually there is the ‘keep away from drugs’ talk; the ‘stop watching porn/porn is bad for you’ talk, the ‘use condoms’ talk. But who is having the ‘when a girl says no, you need to take that ‘no’ at face value whether you believe she means it or not’. Who is having that talk? I’m guessing no one. Not parents, teachers, the church, the schools…after all what does it really matter in the greater scheme of things right? The other day I read in the newspaper that a teacher raped a pupil in a school and the school didn’t even bother to inform the parent. Their priority was protecting the teacher. You can’t even trust adults to adult anymore.

When I escape into the world of fiction, I read about these guys who not only pay attention when the girl says no, but even when they’re not sure that the girl is saying yes (as in the ‘no’ is not implicit) they still give her, her space. They go slow, they make sure she’s on board with every step. And I wonder to myself, is it because these characters are mainly written by women or are there really men out there who are capable of putting the interests of their partner first? And if so, where are they? Who is responsible for their rarity? Or are they just rare in my corner of the universe?

In case its just lack of information then can I just say here that for a man to use their superior strength to subdue a woman, to intimidate or extract a yes where a no is the preferred answer is wrong. However, nobody cares about wrong anymore I find so let me put it another way; Its much more enjoyable if both parties are on board; if the yes is from both sides. There, some incentive.

For more keeping it real in parenting tips click below.