Self-Publishing Ain't for the Faint Hearted

I am on holiday right now.
Outside of my window, the dark blue swimming pool beckons.
Or maybe I could be taking a walk by the sea.

But here I am, sitting.
Writing a blog post about how goddamn difficult self-publishing is.
You know why?
Because a self published author is not only the writer, they're the publisher, the marketer, number one cheerleader, publicist, distributor...okay maybe you're not the distributor, but you gotta keep an eye on them if you don't want any surprises.
Basically, you're running a company in which you're every single position including bottle washer, maintenance, and housekeeping. It's quite exhausting and it never stops.
Just now, I'm tackling an issue that came to my attention purely by accident. I bought a gift copy of Erase and Rewind from Amazon in order to enter the gift card into a giveaway on a readers' site. I did so because of a Facebook post where someone was asking about book reviews and the site put a link in the comments.

(So yes, while you're innocently browsing your facebook or twitter, you might come across something you need/want to act on because IT NEVER STOPS).

Well I went to Amazon to get the gift card number and I get a very disheartening message:
This book is not available in your country.
So...
I wrote a book.
I published it.
But it's not available in my country.
I had already come across this issue before with Child of Destiny when my son tried to get it for his friend. I'd already spoken to my distributor about it. They dismissed as a technical issue which would be sorted out presently.
It's a month later.
It's not sorted.

I miss Pronoun like the desert misses the rain. They had an Author Happiness Liaison. Them closing down has definitely been a step back for the self-published author.
So
1. I can't get my gift card for the site until Amazon sorts this shit out.
2. The distributor should have had this shit sorted on day one.
3. I'm now wondering where else my book is 'not available'.
4. Sigh.
I'm supposed to be on holiday!
If I had even a smidgeon less passion for my writing, I'd shut this shit down and go dispense medicine.
Speaking of passion, I recently accidentally opened an author page group on Facebook. Seeing as I didn't want to just close it without thought, I left it blank for a while but now I think I know what I want to do with it. I want to write stories from prompts. Which the group members will give me. So I'm urging you all to go and join it here so you can ask me for the stories you want to read.
Have you gifted my boxset to the bibliophile in your life yet? Happy Boxing Day.

Have you had a similar experience? Hit me up and let's share solutions.

Kismet!

So I told y'all about my publishing troubles right? And how my document just refused to convert the 'right' way? I had just about given up, and was beginning to think the universe or destiny just didn't want me to publish Child of Destiny. Heaven knows its one book that has been delayed and delayed and delayed for one reason or another. You ever reached the point where you say...okay; maybe this just wasn't meant to happen?

On the other hand, epic story; I really wanted people to read it! So there I was totally at this impasse. Or Mexican standoff or whatever. But I'd just been to see my son in school and pounded into him the importance of trying; of not giving up. Of setting those goals however impossible looking and trying to achieve them with everything you got. So I decided to take my own advice and try one more time to get this manuscript accepted. Well, I did about the hundreth edit and submitted it and crossed my fingers; not really hoping for a positive result because I didn't wait this time. I downloaded the epub version to see if the indents that were the problem in the last version were still a problem... Not only were they still a problem, they'd spread to other chapters. Like a disease. Like cancer. I threw my hands in the air and officially gave up.

Went back to my ghostwriting (a secret agent story - I have no idea what I'm doing). Then, when I'm on my way home, I get an email from a very nice man over at smashwords saying he's reformatted my document so that it can pass the checks because he's seen that my deadline is near and he promised, cross his heart, that he'd made no other changes. Like serious, random guy just did what I couldn't do for like the last month in a few hours. I uploaded his document and hey presto; I'm in! Yay. I can keep my old deadline and Child of Destiny really is going to be published on my birthday! I can't imagine a better present. The only thing which would make this better if it became a bestseller. Hey, a girl can dream right?

Curse!

So anyway, I've been in the process of preparing Child of Destiny for publication in the midst of the craziness that was August and also trying to catch up on my work. This is one book that has been edited and combed over and argued over...I almost killed one editor for his pedestrian and outdated views on who and what Mya 'should' be. But finally. Finally. It was time to upload it. I certainly didn't expect that after all that there would be any problems...

Man was I wrong.
First of all, smashwords tells me that my book is not correctly formatted. So I sigh deeply, pick up the manuscript and reformat it.
I upload it and have barely turned away from the computer when it tells me that, nope. Not evenly formatted; plus it fails epub check. Now if you've ever gotten that message, you know that specifics are thin on the ground. There is no specific 'error' which would cause failure of epub check. Its just a bunch of miscellaneous drivel that nobody but a computer could get. So I just fucking reformated the whole fucking document and resent it. So yeah, you assume that everything was fine after that right?

Wrong.
So now, apparently, my document did not CONVERT well. So what if my document is formatted correctly. The conversion came out wrong. I am at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do about that frankly. My manuscript is perfect; all formatted. But when its converted it gets mucked up. Of course smashwords tells you the problem, but doesn't tell you what to do about it. Stalemate.

And now they've postponed my release date on the strength of that...#headache.
I need input from y'all.

Uploading Your Ebook: It Can Be As Frustrating As Fuck

I'm exhausted. I finished my manuscript yesterday, thought about getting it critiqued further on scribdophile but then felt like I absolutely did not have another edit in me. So I shrugged my shoulders and began the process of uploading it on smashwords absolutely FILLED with excitement at how the story had turned out.

I upload it for the first time and it was smooth sailing until they emailed me to say, hey...we can't have you advertising other sites in your books. The distributors won't like it. I sigh...I have to go and remove all references to where a fellow author advertising in the flap of my book had put in her locations for where to buy her book.

That done, I re-upload the document. But wait, now it refuses to convert to kindle and epub. Bish whet?

Eight times I tried to upload; it rejected it every time. I tried contacting customer care but they have a 72 hour turn around time and I'm impatient as fuck. I tried removing the ad for the other author's book; I tried changing formats...no joy. It was sooo frustrating. At some point I considered just giving up on smashwords and going to lulu. (I actually did go to lulu) but I love smashwords; it's so hassle free. Ha ha! did I say hassle free? It was...

I finally go to bed having done nothing all day and night except try to upload this book and angst. When I wake up there is an email from smashwords waiting, telling me I'm running behind schedule on uploading my manuscript to fill the pre-order requirement. Now this makes me want to cry because I'd messaged them continuously asking for help with no reply. Nevertheless, I reply to apprise them once again of the problem and this time I get an answer. This is day two; I'm supposed to be doing other work but I'm still trying to upload my stuff...

Finally I get help from 'Kevin' from customer care. He tells me to remove my Table of Content tabs, any images (from the other author) and page numbers.
 'But I need a table of contents' I say.
 'Watch the youtube video  on how to insert one' the FAQ replies.
So I watch the video and make the corrections and voila! At last, 48 hours after I've started the process, The Swamp is Full of Mystery is successfully uploaded. And I need a drink.