Is Integrity the Unicorn of the Trump Era?

I love Colin Kaepernick. Like, in my heart. To me, he is a shining beacon of integrity in a sea of selfishness and spinelessness. I read the background to his story, how he grew up, his conscious choice to embrace his identity and to stand up, or kneel, for injustice. It's compelling reading especially since some of the people he's standing up for ridicule him.
"Oh, what does he know? His parents are white."
"Who does he think he is anyway?"
And my personal favorite, "Colin is no Mohamed Ali. He's supported only by the radio guy (cthagod) and (someone else I forget who) - to which I added, + me.
Seriously?
Like people don't even seem to get the point. It's hard to live in this world if you are of above average intelligence...sigh.

Speaking of integrity...did you read Lupita's essay on Harvey Weinstein? It was so vivid that I was triggeredT. I was right there with her when she was wondering what to do with this guy wanting to give her a massage, in his bedroom, with his kids in the house.
With his kids in the house!
Like, do you predators have any shame at all? Is there no line in the sand you will not cross? I saw a discussion on a facebook group which I was very tempted to screenshot and Instagram where some guys were blaming everything from the chicks being bitter (including his wife) to how there is no innocent party, to how it's 'tricky' to it takes two...yeah, one to say no and the other to ignore it.
The lengths people will go to, to not have to look in the mirror and recognize themselves...the mind boggles.
Mayim Bialik also wrote an opinion piece in which she basically asked 'not so attractive' girls who might feel left out of the "the casting couch" experience, not to worry. Somebody somewhere would find them attractive enough. It wasn't clear if she meant attractive enough to sexually assault or...
Anyways, I don't blame her.
Just like I don't blame white men for not seeing what the big deal is with white supremacy. Discrimination is totally outside their experience and unless they truly apply themselves to understand what happens, it's all Greek to them. You can't blame someone for not having experienced what you have. You can only hope that they try to educate themselves before opening their mouths.

On the other side of the coin, and I left my judgment hat at the laundry FYI, is the reaction of the - for lack of better word - victim. Lupita said no. She said no in spite of the fact that she had everything to lose. Lena Headey also said no. Cara Delevigne started singing so that she could get out of there without kissing anyone.
The point is that there is not just one way for this to go. Just because you're the target of harassment doesn't mean that you have to agree to be harassed...and then agree to be paid off afterward. Because doing that casts doubt on the next woman who claims sexual harassment. It becomes a question of "how much?"
How much is your dignity worth? Your self-respect? Is there a number?
I get it, some women are scared, they don't know how to say no, etc. That's why this is not judgment. It's pointing out for those who don't know, that there is another way. It might be more difficult but I bet ultimately, you can sleep better at night.

Because on the other side of sexual harassment is entrapment. A woman saying that Nelly raped her on his tour bus...another woman holding a press conference to say Usher gave her STIs...the ultimate aim was/is money and fame. Now, nobody is saying women can't be as money grubbing and conniving as, well, the next woman. But it's women like this that also make it difficult for women who experience genuine assault to be believed.
Again the question arises...
"How much?"
And I know you're gonna say, "But what if Nelly really raped her?"
Well, maybe he did. Ultimately only the two of them know. But I believe him. I believe him because I've watched him on his reality show with his kids for whom he is the sole breadwinner. I have seen him with his girls. And I've seen predators and how they act around women. Nelly is not a predator. He does not display any signs of misogyny, of seeing women as objects. More importantly, he is not a dumbass. He's not going to risk his freedom, his livelihood or his family for the opportunity to allegedly subjugate a woman on a bus.
Why?
Even if he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, aren't there enough willing women? Why force somebody? It makes no sense.
Even R.Kelly's girls went to him of their own free will. He didn't make them. So we condemn him for preying on young girls when one of those young girls met him outside his pedophilia trial. Where were her parents? She must have been all of 15. How did she get there? What did she want?
What is the role of free will in sexual situations?
I personally would have given my left arm to be given the choice these girls had. The choice of knowledge. Of knowing what you were getting into.

but I'm 'sleep tho...

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. In honor of #booklaunchforcharity I did a mini virtual book tour and two of the interviews are out. Read them here and here.

Heroes and Villains

Hey, it's hangover Tuesday no? The day after...not that I partied. My cramps put a cramp on that plan.
Pun intended.
And when I say party I mean go watch a movie. That's what we introverts do when we go wild - go to the movies...by ourselves. It's lit.
Frankly, I don't like to watch movies with a theatre full of pedestrians. Y'all are always chewing too loud, someone's phone will ring, someone else wants to pass back and forth every two minutes....Or someone's shouting at the screen. So uncivilized.
Sigh.

But if you go like in the middle of the week, in the afternoon when it's not a holiday, you can actually watch a movie in peace because they're like five guys in the whole theatre.
Speaking of empty theatres...
You remember when I said I'd make Ben and Anders dance? Well, the way the writing was set up, there was really no opportunity for gratuitous dancing. But I'm thinking I know where I can put it...and maybe even some movie theatre making out.
Yep. There could be one more revision.
I know I've given out some copies for review...I guess this doesn't make a huge difference to the verdict...right? Feel free to leave a comment if you think it will and you have a review copy.
I did treat myself to lunch. I went to this place where I'd once seen sangria on the menu. Thought I'd have some and toast to another year on this planet.
Well, guess what?
They didn't have any.

Luckily for me, I was having one of those days where nothing was going to bring me down. Not my cramps, not them not having sangria or how behind I was with work...I chose to be happy. Even bought a yellow belt to prove it. It went so well with my blue dress I can't even tell you. When I was going to catch the bus home, the conductor was like 'law school this way'. Like he thought I was a college student. What's not to be happy about?
Speaking of heroes and villains (were we?) I want to touch on this Harvey Weinstein situation. In my quest to be happy, I've been avoiding activist twitter because they also seem to be everything is wrong with the world twitter. But Harvey's been everywhere, and suddenly everyone has a sexual harassment story; not just to do with Harvey but with lesser Harveys in the entertainment biz.
Now, as someone who has seriously lived sexual harassment since I was eleven years old and my boobies started to grow, I must say that I am not impressed.
I'm not impressed with women who kept quiet about their sexual harassment because they 'didn't want to lose their jobs.'
I am not impressed with people who turned a blind eye for years suddenly being all 'shocked and horrified' by Harvey Weinstein.
In fact, the person I am most impressed by is Harvey himself who just basically gave a non-apology and continued living life until someone said they were going to fire him. Because you know what? He's not the devil. He's not the evil Harvey Weinstein.
It's just that this time, it was him who was caught.

And so everyone does what they do, they turn on him. They point fingers. They act like they haven't been complicit in his behavior for years.
Whatever your reasons, whatever you thought you would get out of it the fact is that you probably watched, laughed, said, "that Harvey, what a pistol!" slapped each other on the back and life went on. And if he touched you inappropriately, for sure you let him. No one is making rape allegations after all. But now that it's news, it's a whole different ballgame.
"I am shocked and saddened."
No, you aren't. You're covering your ass.
It's a culture and it permeates every society. But then when a spotlight gets shone on one person suddenly everyone's acting brand new.

I remember once when I actually was a college student, I was out with these three guys at the club, one of whom was my boyfriend. So this random dude kept passing by my chair and touching me inappropriately. I didn't know what to do about it so I told my boyfriend. He went and whispered something in the guy's ear and the guy apologized.
To him.
The whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. I felt diminished to an object. An object that belonged to a guy and therefore if someone else touches it, he needs to apologize to the owner of the object. I think if that happened now, I'd just punch that guy in the stomach real hard and call it a day. And if he wants to take it outside, hell, let's take it outside.
I'm seriously crazy these days.
Motherhood will do that to ya.

Harvey Weinstein was on Entourage, you remember? He offered to buy Medellin from Vincent Chase and the boys when it bombed. That's the image I have of him in my head. And for sure with the benefit of distance, and through the lens of Entourage, you can see how sexist Hollywood is for sure. David Schwimmer as himself wanting the female agent from Ari Gold's firm to go to lunch with him because 'he wanted to fuck her.' I don't know if she would have had to fuck him but I do know that she threatened to sue Ari's firm for sexual harassment if they fired her for having an affair with her boss. And they backed down.

So.
Where are the sexual harassment lawsuits filed against Harvey? Nobody? Okay then.
I'm not saying what Harvey did was right. Hell to the no. But these are the men we raise. We raise them to see us as objects, as commodities and then turn around and cry victim when they treat us as such.
YES!
I'm talking to you mothers. When you talk down about the girls your sons bring home. Commodify them, then you teach your sons that a woman is good for nothing but 'mothering' him. If she can't cook for him, clean up after him, she's useless. When fathers high five their sons for having more than one girlfriend. Encourage them to 'sow their wild oats', talk about 'wife material' you are commodifying women. You are saying, if they do not possess these things, they're only good for...what? To be used. As objects.
We are all complicit.
and unless we start having different conversations then let's stop talking about 'shocked and saddened.'

An example; my son was telling me about this 'socialite' on Instagram 'everyone' follows. She had 50k followers and apparently because of that, the consensus among him and his friends was that she was a slut. That she slept her way to 50k followers.
So at this stage, truthfully, if this was your kid who said this what would you do?
Let me make some predictions: the "Christians" among you would have said that your kid should stay away from her or pray for her or some combination of the same nonsense. yes?
Pretty sure some so-called fathers would have asked for her IG @ so they could follow her and slide in her DMs.
(she's 17 by the way).
Others would have just dismissed the story right?
Well, and I am not trying to say I'm the paragon of virtue here, but I am.
I asked him to put himself in her shoes. I don't know this girl but I've been bullied. And what these boys are doing is bullying. So this girl goes to school right? She's in boarding school. but somehow in the short time that holidays are, she has found time to sleep with 50k people? These boys who say she's a slut, do any of them know her personally? Tell me, Chris, I said, what if it was you being called names because you'd achieved something others can't? And people called you names for it? People who don't know you? Don't know your life? All they see are pretty pictures and decide things about you from those pics. Would you like it?

Now my son is a soft-hearted lil' puppy beneath that cold exterior and I could see that he was sorry about the whole thing. But he's just one and for sure he might be the only one I personally can save. But at least I can make sure the girls he comes across are treated like human beings instead of objects.
Ugh, enough pontificating.
Book Launch for Charity is still live!
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