I Got Fired Today

To me processing my emotions is like having my eyes tested. You know at the optician's when they put those giant metal glasses over your eye and tell you to read the letters on the board? And you're squinting, trying to make out if that's an A or a D? That's me when I experience an emotion. I have to squint at it from a distant and try to make out exactly what I'm feeling.

That's what I did this morning when I got a very polite notice from one of my new jobs that they'd decided to let me go. How did I feel about it? Was I surprised? Sad? Relieved? Disappointed? All of the above? I'm not sure yet; still squinting.
See about mid-July, I got all these new gigs falling into my lap at the same time. Which was a relief to be honest because it's always better to have too many than too few. But of course, it's stressful too because you're not only concerned about meeting deadlines but remembering which deadline is which.
So this job that let me go had one of the tightest deadlines and I literally shifted everything around so I could work on it and meet the deadline. The client had a very elaborate outline which nevertheless managed to be quite vague on specifics. Lots of 'they should kiss but no intimate sex' and then 'he says from his point of view and she says from hers' and 'she discovered she's not pregnant' (what? when did they have sex?).
Anyway, so I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing...

I send in the first draft and the client is concerned that I'm halfway through and some things haven't happened yet. And she gives me more paragraphs that had things such as
scene
scene
scene
as instructions. (I kid you not).
Well, me wanting to do the best job I can for her, I ask her to please elaborate, maybe in point form so that I can really hone in on the problem. In short, find out what the problem is. I get no reply until 2 hours to the deadline when the project manager asks me to hold off on the project.
I mean, wow. Nine sleepless nights later man...
About a week later after I asked what was going on, the project manager informs me that they decided to let me go.
So you see why I don't know how to feel about it.
Well, being the person I am, I asked for the feedback that got me so summarily dismissed because I always have to know the why of things.
I ask too many questions.
I think that was partly the issue.
Well, according to the client, I was correcting her on her feedback and generally costing her time and money. She didn't see why I couldn't just figure it out instead of asking for more clarification. She felt strongly that I was the problem.
Fair enough.
Once I read that, I understood the problem and I politely asked the project manager to convey my apologies to the client for making her feel corrected and wished them all well.
I'm...I don't know.
Most of me has already moved on but the part of me that always needs answers wants to know how I feel about the whole thing and how I will incorporate this experience in my future endeavors.

It's weird because just after I got that dismissal, one of my other employers sent me a new project. Sometimes I watch my life from afar and try to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me that day.
I think what I'm getting is that in order for you, as an employer, to get the best work out of your employee or vice versa, honesty is key. When I read the client feedback, it was rambling and all over the place. But her complaining email about me to my project manager was clear and succinct, easy to understand. She felt more comfortable expressing herself behind my back than she did, telling me to my face what she needed.
Unfortunately, this is a very common phenomenon in the workplace and I am writing a memoir for someone who experienced the very same thing on a grander scale. It's a very immature attitude I find and one of the things that continue to shock me as an adult. When I was a child, I thought that being grown came with automatic maturity and even after twenty years of adulting, it still blindsides me that this isn't the case.

I think it comes from a place of not being able to give or take honest critique. Many people find it hard to hear the truth and they also, therefore, cannot speak it. And when I say the truth, I'm not talking about being mean. People confuse mean and honest, rude and honest.
Saying things like, "Gosh your books sucks so hard," might be the truth but is also intended to hurt. Contrast with, "Hey I didn't like your book because of A, B and C." that is a critique that is not only honest but also helps the writer to improve. It's genuine, coming from a good place rather than simply immature and mean.
So when I say, 'give an honest critique' I am talking about the latter, not the former and only in 2018 is it necessary to explain honesty.
So I think what I have learned today is, I feel...acceptance of what has happened.
That if I look at myself critically, knowing who I am and how I operate the answer to 'What would you have done differently?' is absolutely nothing. And that is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you're just a bad fit. Instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a space that is not meant for you, better to move on to find the space that is waiting for you.
Life is too short for bullshit people. Keep it moving.

Halt!
I have to a few announcements:
There are two group giveaways taking place on instafreebie this month in which I am participating.
 Summer August Hot Books featuring Child of Destiny and 224 other books and
Other Worldly Creatures - The Craved Fantasy Giveaway featuring In the Shadow of the Styx and 46 other books.
Read, enjoy and for the love of Mike, review, sign up for newsletters and spread the word.
Love you big time.
Happy Sunday!

Nobody Wins When the Family Feuds

I told you.
I was going to let the BDSM post end the year but apparently, Jay-Z and Ava Duvernay refuse to let me live.

Tidal is not available in Kenya so I have not seen the video in full yet; just snippets on Instagram and post upon post about it on twitter.

I can't emphasize how timely this video is as we close out 2017 and prepare to welcome 2018. I say this because it seems that we are all so easily triggered to anger these days. When traveling to Mombasa for holiday a few days ago, a fight broke out in the bus between the people sitting behind me and the people sitting behind them. The latter did not appreciate how far the former had leaned back her chair and the former was pissed that the latter kept pushing at her chair. So instead of discussing it like two rational humans about to embark on a fun trip to a coastal location, they were shouting at each other.
Not being one to tolerate noise at that level for very long I turned around and asked the girl sitting behind us, "Are you having trouble with your seat? Because my son can help you with that..."
While my son glared at me for involving him in the drama.
The girl took this as an opportunity to explain her problems to me and so on etc.
'I"m not interested in your problems Carol. I just want to solve them so y'all can shut up.' I thought to myself...
So I talked over her, asking again.
"Is there a problem with the seat?"
So that turned the conversation to defective seats and the bus hostess got involved and long story short, the shouting became disgruntled muttering and everyone went back to their business.
The point of telling you this story is to illustrate the hair-trigger sensitivity that can cause any little thing to erupt into a shouting match because people have so much to be stressed and unhappy about. Except me apparently, because I'm super calm these days.
Nobody wins when the Family feuds. Can the first go-to reaction not be to fight? Can we try to reason with each other?

Not that I'm totally innocent of clapping back. If you notice, one of my recent posts has had a rapid climb up the 'most read' lists on the blog. Cut your eyes right, you'll see it just under Voodoo. It passed my Rihanna post! And it's like less than a week old. You know how it got so many reads so fast?
Conflict.
You notice when an artist or actor has something new to release they're suddenly everywhere? Telling you their little family secrets and giving you dating tips? Or 'dating' someone new? Rappers start beef with someone.
Anyways, it's all about peaking your interest. I've always been against it because I'm playing the long game. I'd rather have one new follower in a month who is genuinely interested in what I have to say than fifty people who are just following the drama and will dissipate like smoke as soon as that's done. So this particular conflict was inadvertent.
I shared the blog post on a page of 'writers helping writers' mostly because I wanted to know if anyone else had ever encountered the same problem and what their solutions might have been. So one member of the group posts a comment about how badly written the post is, the font is all wrong, the gifs are distracting...she's totally disgusted, blah blah blah etc, amen.

Some days I just have time so I was like, "Sis, what is the purpose of this post of yours? I don't recall asking for your editing services, your opinion of how I write does not affect the price of sugar in Uchumi so what was your purpose in writing it?"
So she says, "My purpose in writing it was that I don't like it."
I'm a grammar nazi guys. I'm a stickler for accuracy. So I asked her about which part of that sentence stated her PURPOSE and could she not read? Perhaps reading comprehension was her problem? Did she feel the need to make herself feel better about herself by declaring my writing subpar to her so-called editing pen? Furthermore, she also seemed to have misunderstood the purpose of the post - she thought I was surprised that self-publishing is difficult...
Anyway, usually I do not like to debate people who are clearly dumber than me but she was asking for it...
So after that conversation, the view count just skyrocketed so A+B=C.
Don't try this at home kids, it's wrong.
Nobody wins when the Family feuds.

Speaking of celebrities and marketing, Will Smith joining Instagram has been the most lit thing to happen to me online this December. I find it so funny that his children's Instagrams are so angsty and his is just goofy and fun. Vintage Will Smith. I guess that's what adolescence will do to you. Hopefully, Jaden and Willow will find their joy later.
So I guess he did it in time to promote Bright. Have you seen it? A surprisingly controversial role for the usually politically correct Smith (I sound like a commentator in that sentence don't I?). He leaves the politicking to Jada. It was also surprising in another way. Because instead of him portraying the role of the Oppressed, he was actually the Face of the Oppressor. Quite the ironic twist there, that his partner was a member of the "black" race in that Tolkien-like, Harry Potter sprinkled world. An Orc.
Who is the Dark Lord?
Sauron?
Voldemort?
Donald Trump?
I don't think it's Donny. He's way too dumb to be a Dark Lord. In fact, let's just replace him with
Vladimir Putin.
Yeah, that's probably the dark lord equivalent in this world.
Bright was extremely clever in how it wove fantasy and reality so tightly you probably missed a lot of intricacies on just one watch. I plan to watch it at least twice more to really appreciate it. I love stories with layers. It's why I'm such a fan of Supernatural as well as of Child of Destiny. On the surface, the former is just a story of two sexy brothers fighting monsters, the latter, an infidelity romance. But then...

Nuances.
So enjoyable discovering them for yourself.
I'll let you do that then.
Happy New Year!