All or Nothing

Undoubtedly you've seen the new episode of Red Table Talk. Its probably gonna be the most watched episode of the series simply because people love mucene (gossip). Any chance to get into people's business right?

I wasn't intending on watching it because there is such a thing as knowing too much about a bunch of essentially strangers. But my friend texted me about it and I saw that Colton Haynes tweeted about it; how helpful it was to him etc and the cat of my curiosity was definitely dead.

So I watched it.

And then I read the comments because I am addicted to reading how brain dead people can be. I long ago gave up on ever seeing a comment I could nod at and say 'how insightful.' People are just so caught up in their own heads and their worldview that they can't see in an objective way; they can only subjectively twist what they see to fit their own fears and issues. 

For me, what I saw, was that it is possible.

I have long harbored this concept of what I would like in a relationship. The kind of communion and honesty and total giving and acceptance. I called it all or nothing. 

I have long been resigned to nothing because finding 'all' has seemed all but impossible beyond fictional characters like Jamie and Claire.

But Will and Jada found it.

Granted it took twenty years and a whole hell of a lot of pain and suffering but they did it. And even with those twenty years it took, there was still a commitment to and value for the relationship.

In my experience, I can't even date someone without them already trying to change who I am.

"Oh, Annemarie you read too much."

"Stop working so much and cook me food."

"You can keep your dreadlocks but only because they look nice."

"You shouldn't dress like that at your age."

And on. and on. and on. 

I just want to be free to be me and accepted as such. No, not just accepted, loved for it.

Even my son who should know better tries to tell me to tone it down, make other people comfortable in my presence. I told him to take me or leave me, I'm not changing for him or anybody.

You see, I scare people sometimes. Too bold, too blunt, too outspoken. I tried for many years to cover up that part of me. To only show the amiable, smiling, harmless me. But then as the fucks I gave slowly dissipated and my need to be liked disappeared, I found that I was not ready to give up any part of me. 

I think this is the beginning of self-actualization.

The relationships that I write about, all have some aspect of this idea - take me as I am. And that's why the characters are flawed and yet the love is true. I'm a secret romantic.

So what I learned from that episode is what I already knew; the only way to be happy in a relationship is to know and accept yourself and be willing to know and accept the other person, just as they are. And if you know you can't do it, just say so and leave.

So if there is someone out there, who relates to this message and feels ready to embark on that journey with me...well...

Just remember its all or nothing.