Freelancing Is Not For the Weak

 I. am. growling.

One of my clients, who I've worked with for years, is a publisher. While the relationship with the company is long, they keep changing my project manager. I don't know the inner machinations of that, I just work with whomever I am presented with.

My latest project manager is such a hot mess that I want to scream, cry, throw up and die. She's traumatized me so much that when I did another job for a different client, I expected some BS when they got back to me about the finished product. For them to say 'this is fine, here's your payment' literally rocked my world.

I've had nitpicky clients. 

This isn't that. 

This is giving me an outline, telling me to follow it and then telling me that the outline they told me to follow isn't working and I should change it but in such a way that it sounds like I should have known it wouldn't work and should have done something else.

Every single milestone, it was the same. Yeah  we told you to write this but now we see that it doesn't work even though you asked several times if we were sure this is the direction we wanted to go and we said no, now we're saying, do it differently.

It it wasn't for capitalism I'd insist on charging them for a rewrite because it certainly wasn't a revision. 

I want to tear out my hair. 

So finally, they send the work to the editor - after hanging about with it for a week. They stayed with it so long that upwork paid me for the job before they got back to me. And the editor pointed out every single thing that was wrong with the OUTLINE in their comments. My project manager acted as if it was just another revision that I should attend to.

I had to put my foot down and ask her, "So all this is in the outline - I don't understand what you want me to do. Spell it out." I want to see if she dares to say rewrite. 

I dare her.

She is literally making me think I'm crazy. At one point I had to talk to my kid about it - I was like, "Is this what microaggressions feel like?"

 He told me that I should tell my brain to just shut the fuck up because it's making things worse. 

I get it. 

Because my thoughts are certainly not helping. So I'm writing them here so that I don't go awf on Miss Thank-You-Very-Much-for-Your-Work-We-Appreciate-It-Now-Here-Are-All-The-Things-You-Need-To-Change-That-I-Previously-Told-You-You-Needed-To-Include.

AAAAAHHHH!

Now, a bit of housekeeping. 

My Books and Where To Find Them

So, I was looking through my data on D2D and I realized how little money I make on every book. There was this one month I sold ten print books worth ninety dollars and I only got fifteen of those dollars, after like, three months. Seeing it all laid out in black and white was really a wake up call to me. The way I do my writing, is more of a hobby than a profession because I still want to enjoy the process and they say monetizing what you love is a way of killing the joy. I don't know - so far so good. 

But part of the joy of writing is sharing my stories. I want you to read them. I want to make a difference in how you think and move in the world using my stories. So I do want to disseminate them far and wide. 

So they'll stay on D2D because they do have a very wide distribution but I will, from now on, be marketing only my kofi bookshop. That is where I will build my community and I hope you'll come over and follow me there even if you don't buy anything (right away). 

At this time of year, many do celebrate various holidays and for the bibliophile in your life, I have many an offering. And guess what? For the next month and a half, my books (on kofi) are 25% off. So take advantage of the offer, support small business and join a growing community of active thinkers (I hope).

Use the discount code below as you shop.

Be Happy, Don't Worry

You know for a person like me who suffers from anxiety disorder, doing as the title says is easier said than done. I shouldn't say I suffer from anxiety disorder; I haven't been diagnosed by a shrink. I'm gonna say I'm a terribly anxious worrier type person instead.
Ugh, such a rabbit hole, can we get back to the topic?
Okay so as I was saying, I'm like a dog with bone when it comes to anxiety, just worrying it and worrying it and worrying it...whether my issues are legit or not.

So today it hit me, after blowing off work all day and just having some 'me time' that I was doing life wrong. I mean, look at me; I am living my dream life (except that I don't have a horticulture farm which was a completely unrealistic dream considering the total absence of a green thumb that I have). Hell, some things I never thought to dream of; who could have imagined I'd have authored eight books under my own name (actually make that ten, Cinderella by Any Other Name is finished as is a short story in the In Search of Paradise Universe) in my lifetime? Who'd a thought I'd make a living writing books for other people?
Not me.
Yet here I am.
I live in the house. The one I always wanted; yeah it's not mine but it's mine y'know? My son turned eighteen this year. I have managed to grow him to adulthood without irreparably damaging him.
I legit have not searched for new clients since September. They all are looking for me now.
Life is GoodT.
*spits, knocks on wood, throws salt over my shoulder and all other superstitious nonsense*

So why do I wake up worried, spend my days anxious and go to sleep worried? It's such nonsense. Today I just stopped. No actually it started yesterday. I was so tired after my locum at a hospital pharmacy that I stopped at a fast food shop to eat dinner so I could go straight to bed as soon as I reached home. (Yeah at seven pm, what of it?) And she knows me so the cashier asks if I'll have a warm apple juice since there are no cold ones. And I was just like FUCK IT, give me a fanta.
Do you know the last time I drank a fanta?
Yeah, neither do I.
Everywhere people always posting about how bad soda is for you blah blah blah. I grew up drinking fanta. It never made me sick. I stopped because well, peer pressure.
Fuck peer pressure.
Fuck worrying about mythical health problems I might get.
Imma enjoy my fanta.
I didn't finish it because well, sugar is not my friend these days but I enjoyed it. I even enjoyed the little sore throat I got afterwards because Freedom bitches!

Anyways so this morning I woke up with that anxious "OhgodIhavesomuchworktodowillIfinisitontimeImalreadylate" mantra going through my head coupled with "shitIneedtofinisthisgotbillstopay" that accompanies it. But I was still reeling from the weekend. So I said, hey, let me take some time to just be. I'll get back to work. But first, breathe.
And I did.
Imagine the world didn't end.
Yeah, mind boggling, I know.
But I really have to get back to work now; the difference is, I'm looking forward to it. I love writing, I love stories. I get to write stories for a living. Imma enjoy it.
And for you other writers who seem to live under the illusion that you HAVE to think your writing sucks in order to be a "legitimate" writer; and also you have to post about how much you suck on social media...man, look...if that is supposed to get me interested in your work, it doesn't. If you don't love what you write, why should I?
I love my stories. I think they're epic. I think they convey important messages without being weighed down by too much seriousness. Average Joe can enjoy them and they would still make her think. You have to be careful of that negative self talk. If you tell yourself you suck enough times, you start to believe that shit.
It's up to you if you want to be Cardi B or Azaelia Banks.
Rihanna isn't my fave just because of the songs...when it's 3am and I'm flagging, I tell myself that Rihanna's day isn't over yet either and she's much richer than me. Whatever you need to tell yourself to keep going.
Anyways, for real, gotta get to work.
The rent is always muh'fuckin due.

Saying No

As a freelance writer of good repute I get a lot of invitations to bid on jobs (not to brag or nothin) and one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is how to say...'No'. I mean, being a hustler is all about finding those jobs isn't it? It's about rising and grinding and using up all our 24 hours like Rihanna taught us, right?

Well sometimes, even when you know the job is all wrong for you or you just don't have the time to do it; its still hard to turn it down. It's mo money in the kitty and there is always need for mo money right?

I'm learning to take a breath though; learning to leverage things. I'm no expert, don't be fooled. I have faults. I procrastinate waaayyy too much and I have so many 'side projects' including this- blogging. designing stuff; posts and covers and shit. marketing books. responding to emails. Sometimes I think I could really use an assistant. Except I'm a control freak and nobody ever does it the way I need it to be done except me. I got problems. But I'm trying to learn. I discovered pacemaker that helps me keep track of my writing. I say no to invitations which are too much for my plate. I make sure I write something every day even if its just two words (luckily its never just two words). I'm evolving.

Sometimes you just have to really choose your battles and stick with those choices. Its difficult as fuck sometimes but ultimately you're better for it. Speaking of which, allow me to kill two birds with one stone and blog and market simultaneously.

Preorder Child of Destiny. You know you want to. Read the excerpt and see if you don't.