I just read Demi Moore's memoir; Inside Out and whew, chile...the triggers...
I related to all of it in ways I did not expect.
We have some similarities in the challenges that we faced even though the circumstances were vastly different, and our reactions were also polar opposite. The results were the same though, punishing the body for what other people did to it; feeling unworthy or incapable of being loved the way we want to be.
On the flip side, she confirmed everything I've ever suspected about marriage. I'm just waiting for Lisa Bonet to come out with a memoir stating that Lenny Kravitz and Jason Momoa are the most selfish husbands in existence for all my illusions to shatter into a million crystals of scattered light. Illusions that are not even acknowledged in the light of day.
I really think we need to retire the phrase "Couple goals" or "relationship goals" because if anyone was my "relationship goals" growing up it was Bruce and Demi. I saw through Ashton from day one but Bruce! Man...that was disappointing.
It led me to a conclusion; one that I think is not new, but it just keeps getting reinforced.
Nobody is coming to save you.
Stop looking outside of yourself for validation.
Especially, stop looking to men to validate you.
I honestly don't think that they mean to do it; but if you give them that power, they will use it to destroy you.
I think that most women are damaged goods from their teens. Not all of us are outright raped, but every one of us has had an experience of sexual abuse when we are young. If you haven't then you are definitely one of the lucky few.
And so you grow into adulthood with an inherent distrust of men, but also a desire to find one who will make you feel safe.
None of them is safe. Not my son, not my brother; none of them.
So to go out there with the expectation of finding safety, it leaves you unprepared and leaves an opening that no male can seem to stop themselves from exploiting. I don't think the problem is with being men and women in relationships; I think it's the expectations of those relationships that destroy them.
On the other side of the coin are Will and Jada; they both had expectations about marriage but unlike the rest of us, Jada woke up and said "wait. stop. enough. I ain't doing this no more. I need to find a new way to be and if you don't want to come with me, then bye Felicia."
And Will, in an act of extraordinary non-maleness said, "Okay. Whoever you need to be; I'm here."
Now that's the definition of unconditional love.
I'm not blaming men for women's need to bend over backwards to be whatever they think the man wants. However, it has had the unfortunate effect of giving men the expectation that women will bend over backward, they'll carry ninety per cent of the burden to 'make a relationship work'.
And so in most cases, if you don't do it, you're shamed, you're ridiculed. Your husband cheats on you PUBLICLY the day before your anniversary so as to 'make you leave him.'
What does it cost to be kind really?
How much does it really take from you to be less of an asshole?
I just want all of you to do better by yourselves.
- Neglecting ourselves to take care of other people,
- the rejection of our physical bodies,
- living only in our minds and just making sure our outer shells are functional;
- the lack of self-love...
I related to all of it in ways I did not expect.
On the flip side, she confirmed everything I've ever suspected about marriage. I'm just waiting for Lisa Bonet to come out with a memoir stating that Lenny Kravitz and Jason Momoa are the most selfish husbands in existence for all my illusions to shatter into a million crystals of scattered light. Illusions that are not even acknowledged in the light of day.
I really think we need to retire the phrase "Couple goals" or "relationship goals" because if anyone was my "relationship goals" growing up it was Bruce and Demi. I saw through Ashton from day one but Bruce! Man...that was disappointing.
Nobody is coming to save you.
Stop looking outside of yourself for validation.
Especially, stop looking to men to validate you.
I honestly don't think that they mean to do it; but if you give them that power, they will use it to destroy you.
I think that most women are damaged goods from their teens. Not all of us are outright raped, but every one of us has had an experience of sexual abuse when we are young. If you haven't then you are definitely one of the lucky few.
And so you grow into adulthood with an inherent distrust of men, but also a desire to find one who will make you feel safe.
None of them is safe. Not my son, not my brother; none of them.
On the other side of the coin are Will and Jada; they both had expectations about marriage but unlike the rest of us, Jada woke up and said "wait. stop. enough. I ain't doing this no more. I need to find a new way to be and if you don't want to come with me, then bye Felicia."
And Will, in an act of extraordinary non-maleness said, "Okay. Whoever you need to be; I'm here."
Now that's the definition of unconditional love.
I'm not blaming men for women's need to bend over backwards to be whatever they think the man wants. However, it has had the unfortunate effect of giving men the expectation that women will bend over backward, they'll carry ninety per cent of the burden to 'make a relationship work'.
What does it cost to be kind really?
How much does it really take from you to be less of an asshole?
I just want all of you to do better by yourselves.
