Good morning.
I have an assignment deadline to complete soon so naturally, I'm writing a blog post.
Hey, one cannot just have breakfast without distraction.
And I have been remiss in my posting. I apologize. Blame it on the reason I'm writing this post.
Let me recap.
Once a year or so, I get this run of bad luck where everything, and I mean everything seems to go wrong. I seem to be slap in the middle of that time right now and I can tell you, it's not a fun place to be. Right now, the light bulb in my office and my living room aren't working. These are the two rooms I use most in my house. My electrician niece has decided she hates me so she keeps blowing me off. I can't just get some stranger off the street to come and fix it. And of course, church mice are doing better than me right now financially. Oh and my fridge suddenly stopped keeping things cold, the repair people took a week to even answer my calls, another week to find the problem and then, a few more days before they fixed it. If I had money for groceries this might have been a huge hassle but since I'm hand to mouthing it, I make sure to only buy enough food for the day. It's been crazy.
I stopped using tap water to cook though and I haven't been sick since so there's that.
It's small every day irritabilities made bigger by the fact that they keep coming.
Oh and I also got told, right in front of my salad, that the reason I don't get lucrative contracts on upwork is because of my location and race.
I mean, I knew racism was real but it really hit me hard that one. I had thought I finally had a place where I could be judged solely on my work but no...here we are. It made me tremendously sad to know that much as I was hurt and it was shocking, there are people who live with that sort of second classery in every area of their lives.
The reply came in response to a question I posted on the community forum about why, if my feedback was all four and five stars, could I not get the really high paying clients to respond to me. I was hoping for stuff like:
"Well, there is a certain way they expect you to write your proposal."
Or,
"Do you upload a recent resume with every proposal?"
You know, stuff I could do something about...
The point is, all these things might be my present reality but I know that I can change that reality with the power of positive thinking.
Wait! Wait!
Don't go away, I'm not about to go all motivational speaker on your ass. Except for how...I am.
My problem is anxiety. When things start spinning out of my control, I get anxious. Then I think about how out of control everything is and get more anxious. I wake up already thinking about
"What do I have to do today?"
"Oh my God, I haven't paid my rent yet, gotta get this work done."
"What date is it? Shit, the month is half over and I haven't...."
And on, and on and on...
That's before I even brush my teeth.
It's even worse when my son is home and has problems of his own I need to solve.
Yes! I know he should solve his own problems, I'm a work in progress.
Anyway so instead of starting the day with positive affirmations, a feeling of gratitude and belief that I already have everything I want and all I have to do is wait for it to manifest...
There I am, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, not really getting anything done.
Even so, without that calming centering I need so much yet apparently can't find the time to do, the universe or karma or God has my back. I watched Infinity War last night. Yeah, like, for the first time. And after I watched it I thought to myself, "I gotta write a postapocalyptic post-Thanos fic featuring Sam and Dean where they are terrified one of them is gonna disappear."
By the way that ending was so much bullshit...
Anyway, so I'm thinking that, and getting back to work and one of my former clients (who thinks my work is INCREDIBLE by the way) messages me that she wants me to write another short story for her - the one I'm supposed to be doing now. And I say okay and she sends me her requirements and I say I'm thinking postapocalyptic story and she's like "Yeah! me too, that's what I was thinking too!"
So the universe enabled me to write the fic I wanted to write anyway, and get paid for it.
The power of positive thinking isn't about meditating things into being. It's more about focus and intent and belief.
Anxiety gets in the way of that.
And how do I manage my anxiety? By getting stuff done. If my anxiety sees movement on things that are making me anxious (such as getting contracts) it calms down. That's why I'm able to write this morning (afternoon) because I'm less anxious.
Okay so I really need to go write a story.
Are you excited for the world cup?
I'm rooting for everybody black.
I have an assignment deadline to complete soon so naturally, I'm writing a blog post.
Hey, one cannot just have breakfast without distraction.
And I have been remiss in my posting. I apologize. Blame it on the reason I'm writing this post.
Let me recap.
I stopped using tap water to cook though and I haven't been sick since so there's that.
It's small every day irritabilities made bigger by the fact that they keep coming.
Oh and I also got told, right in front of my salad, that the reason I don't get lucrative contracts on upwork is because of my location and race.
I mean, I knew racism was real but it really hit me hard that one. I had thought I finally had a place where I could be judged solely on my work but no...here we are. It made me tremendously sad to know that much as I was hurt and it was shocking, there are people who live with that sort of second classery in every area of their lives.
"Well, there is a certain way they expect you to write your proposal."
Or,
"Do you upload a recent resume with every proposal?"
You know, stuff I could do something about...
The point is, all these things might be my present reality but I know that I can change that reality with the power of positive thinking.
My problem is anxiety. When things start spinning out of my control, I get anxious. Then I think about how out of control everything is and get more anxious. I wake up already thinking about
"What do I have to do today?"
"Oh my God, I haven't paid my rent yet, gotta get this work done."
"What date is it? Shit, the month is half over and I haven't...."
And on, and on and on...
That's before I even brush my teeth.
It's even worse when my son is home and has problems of his own I need to solve.
Yes! I know he should solve his own problems, I'm a work in progress.
Anyway so instead of starting the day with positive affirmations, a feeling of gratitude and belief that I already have everything I want and all I have to do is wait for it to manifest...
There I am, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, not really getting anything done.
By the way that ending was so much bullshit...
Anyway, so I'm thinking that, and getting back to work and one of my former clients (who thinks my work is INCREDIBLE by the way) messages me that she wants me to write another short story for her - the one I'm supposed to be doing now. And I say okay and she sends me her requirements and I say I'm thinking postapocalyptic story and she's like "Yeah! me too, that's what I was thinking too!"
So the universe enabled me to write the fic I wanted to write anyway, and get paid for it.
The power of positive thinking isn't about meditating things into being. It's more about focus and intent and belief.
Anxiety gets in the way of that.
And how do I manage my anxiety? By getting stuff done. If my anxiety sees movement on things that are making me anxious (such as getting contracts) it calms down. That's why I'm able to write this morning (afternoon) because I'm less anxious.
Okay so I really need to go write a story.
Are you excited for the world cup?
I'm rooting for everybody black.
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