Being Human

The other day, the power had gone off and we were left in darkness with only one candle.
My son and I were in a fight over some insensitivity but we were like, on the road to recovery. We don't like to be in a fight for too long. Advantages/disadvantages of being a two-person family.

Well anyway, we were in the same room because we were sharing the candle otherwise I guess we'd still have retreated to our respective corners. He was reading a book and I was reading fanfiction on my dying phone. The J in my story had an alter ego; a cold sumbitch, clinical, ruthless. He was trying to shut it down and tuck it away into a forgotten corner of his mind.

And it got me thinking about our fight and coldness and how everyone has that part of them that is clinical, and emotionless. 

It's a hard part.

Cruel even.

Like the Soulless Sam from season six of supernatural and how he behaved like a droid.

The crazy thing is, when my son taps into that part of him that is cold, I always think he got it from his father. Even though, if you ask me, I will tell you that I have ice in my veins. Something happened that really brought that home to me that night.

I almost burned the house down.

See I was looking for some other candles and I found one tiny stub that was almost done. So I lit it and put it on top of a tray which was sitting on top of the fridge. Long story short, the candle burned down to its root and then set the tray on fire. 

I was in the loo at the time and my son was in the sitting room. I don't know how he noticed that the kitchen was halfway to being on fire, but he shouted my name and said something's burning and I just ran. 

But I didn't run in a panic or in fear. No, I just hurried.

Threw everything outside that was still burning and swept up the debris even as my kid stood frozen. He was clearly terrified. So I made a point to ask him if he was injured. He said no and continued to stand outside in the dark. I knew then that he was shocked and scared and whatever we'd been fighting about just ceased to matter.

Long story short, the house could have burned down but I stopped it. My kid did help me by pouring water on the flames. My heartbeat didn't accelerate, my breath didn't come short, my hands didn't shake, I wasn't moved. It was just a thing that happened.

I wouldn't even have noticed my lack of being shaken if my son wasn't. I was surprised that he was because he's not usually the kind of person who is emotional about things. 

Naturally, all this navel-gazing about the cold parts of us had me thinking about recent events and the question I keep asking myself - why did it take George Floyd for people to start caring about police brutality.

And what it comes down to, I think, is what you nurture. You see, unlike J, I strongly feel that this ice-cold part of us has a part to play in our lives. It enabled me to walk into that kitchen and handle things before they went too far out of control - also thank fuck we don't live in a wooden house.

And of course, that took me back to this whole thing we're living through and what makes some people less "human" than others. And I think it comes down to which part you nurture, and which parts you don't. If your life is one of hate and fear, you're living in survival mode, that cold part is supreme. It's in the ascendancy. So you have less humanity, less empathy, you're living on the edge.

And that was an interesting explanation to me of why racism. Instead of being a balanced person with all the various parts, you have this being who lives in fear and so all they do is react. Isn't that interesting? What do you think?

Opportunity Seems to Come Out of Nowhere but Nah...

Wow, guys.

The world is changing before our eyes, is it not? When George Floyd's daughter said, "My daddy changed the world" she had NO idea.

We're seeing the domino effect of Black Lives Matter because hey let's face it, not all of us value even our own lives as much as we do white lives or white adjacent lives. Hell, I hear the police in Kenya are harassing black protestors in front of the US embassy and leaving the white protestors alone. 

But let's go back to the genesis of this - Colonialism and the myth of White Supremacy.

Our history has been erased. Who we were, what we are capable of...even now it continues to be erased. The lack of COVID in New Zealand celebrated. But what about Mauritius? Also have eliminated COVID. Nobody is celebrating it. No, the press is waiting for African bodies to start dropping in the streets to train their cameras and say "You see! Africans are dying of COVID in droves."

But here we are, continuing to defy expectations. 

Nobody is talking about it. Yesterday I was thinking about how in other ways, everybody is erased from history except for white men. According to history books, they did everything. But think about it. Marilyn Monroe offered to sit in the front row of a club so that they would let Ella Fitzgerald perform. That's the only evidence of activism I have of the people around JFK. What if, as his sidechick, Marilyn did some whispering in his ear about civil rights? But she's never mentioned in his history aside from anecdotally so we'll never know. The women are never mentioned. But who is leading Black Lives Matter protests on the streets right now?

Living through 'interesting times' as they say really brings home so many revelations to me. Do you think K-Pop stans will be mentioned in the official history books? How they drowned out the voices of racists with fan cam videos? How they flooded Dallas police snitch sites with fan cam videos? How they matched BTS one million dollar donation to Black Lives Matter with a million dollars of their own?

No, I expect that will be buried in favour of whatever speech Al Sharpton will eventually make.

But what has brought us here? I blame food.

You see I write a lot of historical romance for a living and in my research on what a regency household served for dinner or what Scots ate in the 1500s, what jumps out at me is the sheer blandness of the food. So they travelled around the world and found that not everyone was living with boiled apples and roasted venison. They discovered places which had tea, tobacco, and spices. They discovered silk. They discovered precious stones. They coveted.

But they had nothing to trade. Nothing these people would want anyway, so they decided to take. And the way to take would be to use the one skill that they have honed better than anyone else. Manipulation and lying. They turned Christianity into a weapon. They used guns as a tool of power and fear. They decided to use the colour of their skin as a status symbol. They wrote the history books and so they turned myth into fact.

 Centuries of conditioning later, and most people didn't even question it. Not white people, not black people, not Asian people. 

Very many people still don't.

Every day though, those people grow less blind. Thank you, Cheeto Satan, for showing everyone white supremacy's ass.

So here's where opportunity comes in.

A man named George Floyd was killed by four policemen. His funeral, in fact, was yesterday. In the face of the protests, it was easy to forget that at the centre of this latest uprising is a dead man. Yesterday's funeral brought it home to me with a bang. Man, I hate funerals.

Anyway, so.

A man was killed, the four policemen who killed him were fired. And then it looked like that would be the end of that. Except...a video of a man being chased by two white men and subsequently killed had just been doing the rounds. Ahmaud Abery's killers were yet to be tried and convicted. Breonna Taylor was shot in her bed by police, as she slept when they raided the wrong house. George Floyd's death, captured in HD and lasting eight minutes and forty-six seconds was just that last straw. 

It was too much really.

So 1+1+1 made infinity. First locally, then regionally, then countrywide, then international; the cry for justice spread like wildfire. Now it wasn't just justice for George Floyd although that remains the kindling. No, it's justice for everyone who has ever been unjustly killed or hurt by police brutality. It's a cry for an end to that particular scourge.

People are finally seeing the biggest gang in the world for what it is. A racket. A tool of imperialism designed to oppress and suppress rather than to serve and protect. Or rather, they serve and protect the authors of imperialism. They make sure you and I, stay in line. 

And now people are saying NO.

It seems to have come out of nowhere, this opportunity to change the world but it's actually the result of slow attrition. Starting with Trayvon Martin and that jury which set George Zimmerman free and birthed the Black Lives Matter movement. George Zimmerman showing his ass so that anyone with half a brain cell KNOWS that the jury made the wrong decision. Watching Philando Castile die on Facebook live, knowing that Tamir Rice's killers were still working like they did not kill a twelve-year-old boy. Then When They See Us came out and showed how police obtain convictions. And every day, the tide turned a little more. Let's not forget eight years of an Obama white house meant that the generation that is responsible for a lot of change, the K-Pop stans, the Parkland students, the little girl in Flint, the white girls challenging their parents, grew up knowing that a black president is just a thing that happens. And it all came to a head with this one death. Opportunity looks like it just sprang up and yet, every little thing contributed to it. 

Speaking of which, I saw this account on twitter complaining about how libraries always claim they don't have books by black authors in their roster and she knows they lying. So I replied that my books are available on Scribd, Overdrive. 

An hour later she got back to me about one of my books. Like fastest sale, read and book review I've ever had. So because she was looking for black authors, I had my books in online libraries, and I'm black, but had I not answered her post, the opportunity would not have come to the good end it did. 

So in order to take advantage of fate, there must be action. Positive, deliberate action that is met with appropriate REaction.

The Battle Against Ignorance is Neverending

I got in a twitter argument the other day.
Oh, don't look at me like that. You get into social media spats too. Unless you're not on Social Media which yay for you. Stay away. It's a mess.
Anyways.
I got into the spat because of this post.

I love my horrible son who ruined my life pic.twitter.com/RWF4LxwEIf

— qanon gambino (@lib_crusher) March 11, 2019

Now the post was bad enough but some guy replies to it saying that 'most parents' feel this way, they just don't say so. Now I'm not saying what I did was right but sometimes the stupidity on Al Gore's Internet gets to me.
You have a child and then later realize that "oh my, I actually don't want a child." which okay, maybe you can't help that. But then you proceed to tell the child and the public all about it? What is that child supposed to do with that? The one person who is supposed to show you unconditional love, instead views you as their biggest regret.
I mean...come on people. Talk about fucking up your child for life.
I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel that way. Feel however you want - that's between you and God. But if you decided to be the vessel through which this life entered the world, then it is your responsibility to nurture that soul until it can stand on it's own two feet.
Regardless of your feelings.

Fuck your feelings.
Love is a doing action. Hate the kid all you want but you better make sure they ate. You better make sure to remember their birthday, change their nappies, listen to their problems and pay their school fees. There are no days off. You do not get a break and you don't get to be a self-indulgent little millennial and talk about how much you're missing out on traveling to an ashram in India. Nobody cares. Take care of your kid.
Anyway...so I told the guy to please speak for himself when he says 'most parents feel like this' because I just couldn't bear it anymore. I have limited tolerance for stupidity on a normal day and when social media takes too much of my time, that tolerance just drops and drops until I start replying to such posts instead of ignoring them.
Sigh...

For more nuggets on hard core parenting read the stepchild.
I wanted to have a word about fifty people dying in two mosques in New Zealand. We mentally abuse ourselves and cause trauma to our psyches when we read about these stories and their aftermath. The difference with this story is the aftermath though.
There is often a sense of hopelessness sometimes, when we hear about a mass shooting, the inevitable thoughts and prayers, nothing is done, new mass shooting news cycle CNN gives us. If the shooter is white, there is usually an attempt to brand them a mentally ill 'isolated incident' and interview his relatives, so they can tell us what a gentle little lamb he usually is.
But this time, we actually got action taken, empathy given and the focus rightly on the victims of this attack with no attempt made to demonise them or imply that they are actors hired by George Soros.
Dude.
You don't even know.
When I watched CNN - it was Max Foster though, in London - they were talking about ways in which we can change the narrative in order to change mindsets about Muslims in general. and one of the guests said something profound which will get lost in the shuffle. He talked about how in all these terrorist tv shows like Homeland and 24, the terrorist is always a Middle Eastern Muslim. and that permeates people's psyche especially after 9/11. So it would be good if these shows switched it around and showed some episodes featuring white supremacist terrorists. That way ignorant people like Jess Hilarious can stop profiling anyone with a head dress as a terrorist.
That would indeed be something.

I cannot speak to anyone else's experience, but in mine, when I encounter a Muslim gentleman in any capacity, I know I don't have to be on my guard. He won't sexually harass me, or try to harm me in any way. If they're a vendor, I know they're not gonna try to fleece me. Muslims are some of the most honest people I have ever met.
And okay, 9/11 was horrible, but people act like it was the most horrible thing that ever happened. Why? Because it happened to America? There was a reason why it happened to America. Years and years of oppressing others. They do this shit to other people and then act shocked and scandalized if anyone dares to fight back.
Don't get me wrong.
Killing people is just wrong. It's not the solution to any problem. But why is killing Americans a bigger sin than killing other people? Why is the fact that the only motivation White Supremacists have is hatred, while even ISIS are trying to get free from oppression, not highlighted? Let's call a spade a spade. White people have been terrorizing the rest of us for centuries. But when it happens to them, wow.
So so bad. Demonize everyone.
When they do it, it's an 'isolated incident.'
I'm tayad.

Can you tell that the stress is telling on me? We all have PTSD on here, that is if your soul is still intact. Everything is upsetting and ignoring it only makes the fall out worse. So I write about it and then escape into my stories to bring some sunshine into my life, and maybe into yours. I don't know.
Speaking of stories, my next promotion goes like this.
For the first four days of the next four months, you get one book in the child of destiny series free. Of course, the Swamp is Full of Mystery is always free.
We begin on April Fools' Day with In the Shadow of the Styx so mark your calenders. If you've ever wanted to read this story and not pay for it, here's your chance.

It's all in the lead up to the release of Marcus Devereux on October 9th; a book that shatters all the stereotypes on baby thoughts and teenage parenting.
Are you excited?

Creativity Defined

Have you seen +Beyoncé's new video for Formation? I think it had been up about thirty minutes before all those who 'stay woke' were writing think pieces about the fact that she likes her man's nose 'Jackson 5'. The whole thing to me is severely ironic because +Michael Jackson destroyed his whole face trying to make his nose look sharper than a toothpick. I mean...

And then the very girl no sorry, woman, who's singing is perpetually in a blonde wig, nobody's ever seen so much as a follicle of her natural hair or even her natural personality but this is the embodiment of black power. Like...someone explain.

I'm not hatin'. I love the song. It is a great song. And the video is definitely interesting with a lot of socio-political messages...Just. If you're so proud to be black, why not live it? Michael Jackson dyed his skin white, but 'he would never want a white person to play him in a movie'. He has white kids...What's that they say about actions and words?People are free to do whatever; be whatever, say whatever. It just makes me sad how everyone else latches on to these epitomes of insecurity and self unrespect and say, 'wow. yeah. our heroes.'

Well they're not my heroes so its no skin off my nose. It's just really makes me sad.
And I'm not just saying this because  I saw on twitter that these same 'stay woke' twitivists were coming for the goddess +Rihanna in comparison to show just how ah-may-zing Beyonce is. Rihanna who is 100% herself all the time, short hair, long hair, wigs, bald head, plaited hair; she goes there. And looks fabulous while doing it. She's the epitome of 'I am not my hair' by just about having the most fabulous hair at all times, in all styles, regardless of what you think. But this is not a Rihanna vs. Beyonce thing. It's more of a stop looking for outside validation and love yourself without Beyonce having to sing a song about it thing.

Speaking of being your best self, my son was just home for an exeat which simply means he was let out of school for the day. We were discussing his education and the possibility of attending summer school in the States for two weeks next year. The program requires that the child have done some sort of internship where they helped the world in their chosen field. So I asked him for suggestions on what ways he could help the world in his (current) chosen profession. The answers that he gave me further emphasised to me WHY THE FUCK he needs to do this internship. It was all about getting it 'right'. Finding the right answer so you can get those two marks at the end of the question.

The problem with creativity and ideas is that there is no right answer. There is passion and belief and opportunity and a lot of ever loving work. There is not giving up and believing in your product and giving it 110%. 8-4-4 doesn't teach that. 8-4-4 teaches students to be drones that churn out the correct answers when asked. I don't know how to rescrew my son's mind so that he can think beyond the right answer. So that he can 'have the answers!' unlike +SwaysUniverse. I hope he gets this internship. And I hope it opens his mind to greater possibilities. I hope it doesn't take him thirty five years to find his ideas like it did his mommy.