Sunday, 5 August 2018

I Got Fired Today

To me processing my emotions is like having my eyes tested. You know at the optician's when they put those giant metal glasses over your eye and tell you to read the letters on the board? And you're squinting, trying to make out if that's an A or a D? That's me when I experience an emotion. I have to squint at it from a distant and try to make out exactly what I'm feeling.
That's what I did this morning when I got a very polite notice from one of my new jobs that they'd decided to let me go. How did I feel about it? Was I surprised? Sad? Relieved? Disappointed? All of the above? I'm not sure yet; still squinting.
See about mid-July, I got all these new gigs falling into my lap at the same time. Which was a relief to be honest because it's always better to have too many than too few. But of course, it's stressful too because you're not only concerned about meeting deadlines but remembering which deadline is which.
So this job that let me go had one of the tightest deadlines and I literally shifted everything around so I could work on it and meet the deadline. The client had a very elaborate outline which nevertheless managed to be quite vague on specifics. Lots of 'they should kiss but no intimate sex' and then 'he says from his point of view and she says from hers' and 'she discovered she's not pregnant' (what? when did they have sex?).
Anyway, so I'm writing. I'm writing. I'm writing...
I send in the first draft and the client is concerned that I'm halfway through and some things haven't happened yet. And she gives me more paragraphs that had things such as
scene
scene
scene
as instructions. (I kid you not).
Well, me wanting to do the best job I can for her, I ask her to please elaborate, maybe in point form so that I can really hone in on the problem. In short, find out what the problem is. I get no reply until 2 hours to the deadline when the project manager asks me to hold off on the project.
I mean, wow. Nine sleepless nights later man...
About a week later after I asked what was going on, the project manager informs me that they decided to let me go.
So you see why I don't know how to feel about it.
Well, being the person I am, I asked for the feedback that got me so summarily dismissed because I always have to know the why of things.
I ask too many questions.
I think that was partly the issue.
Well, according to the client, I was correcting her on her feedback and generally costing her time and money. She didn't see why I couldn't just figure it out instead of asking for more clarification. She felt strongly that I was the problem.
Fair enough.
Once I read that, I understood the problem and I politely asked the project manager to convey my apologies to the client for making her feel corrected and wished them all well.
I'm...I don't know.
Most of me has already moved on but the part of me that always needs answers wants to know how I feel about the whole thing and how I will incorporate this experience in my future endeavors.
It's weird because just after I got that dismissal, one of my other employers sent me a new project. Sometimes I watch my life from afar and try to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me that day.
I think what I'm getting is that in order for you, as an employer, to get the best work out of your employee or vice versa, honesty is key. When I read the client feedback, it was rambling and all over the place. But her complaining email about me to my project manager was clear and succinct, easy to understand. She felt more comfortable expressing herself behind my back than she did, telling me to my face what she needed.
Unfortunately, this is a very common phenomenon in the workplace and I am writing a memoir for someone who experienced the very same thing on a grander scale. It's a very immature attitude I find and one of the things that continue to shock me as an adult. When I was a child, I thought that being grown came with automatic maturity and even after twenty years of adulting, it still blindsides me that this isn't the case.
I think it comes from a place of not being able to give or take honest critique. Many people find it hard to hear the truth and they also, therefore, cannot speak it. And when I say the truth, I'm not talking about being mean. People confuse mean and honest, rude and honest.
Saying things like, "Gosh your books sucks so hard," might be the truth but is also intended to hurt. Contrast with, "Hey I didn't like your book because of A, B and C." that is a critique that is not only honest but also helps the writer to improve. It's genuine, coming from a good place rather than simply immature and mean.
So when I say, 'give an honest critique' I am talking about the latter, not the former and only in 2018 is it necessary to explain honesty.
So I think what I have learned today is, I feel...acceptance of what has happened.
That if I look at myself critically, knowing who I am and how I operate the answer to 'What would you have done differently?' is absolutely nothing. And that is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you're just a bad fit. Instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a space that is not meant for you, better to move on to find the space that is waiting for you.
Life is too short for bullshit people. Keep it moving.
Halt!
I have to a few announcements:
There are two group giveaways taking place on instafreebie this month in which I am participating.
 Summer August Hot Books featuring Child of Destiny and 224 other books and
Other Worldly Creatures - The Craved Fantasy Giveaway featuring In the Shadow of the Styx and 46 other books.
Read, enjoy and for the love of Mike, review, sign up for newsletters and spread the word.
Love you big time.
Happy Sunday!

1 comment:

Bassanga Bassanga said...

Interesting perspective...
I like the fact that you always want to know why what happened, from experience asking questions takes you nowhere kinda forcing one to leave in a fake surrounding