Thursday, 28 January 2016

Of Strippers, Slores and their Patnas...or Its Very Complicated

This has been the pettiest week in twitter history and I am here for it! This is the reason I joined +Twitter  (and its second cousin +Instagram ) were invented. So earlier this week, +Blacc Chyna  posted a pic with +Robert Kardashian's arm. Everyone went mad. Now the thing with Blacc Chyna is, she's been trying to act unbothered since +Tyga  left her for the then underage +Kylie Jenner and failing miserably. She's been pulling +Miley Cyrus  type stunts (who else thinks that she got back with +Liam Hemsworth purely through the pity vote? Like, he's gonna come out of the closet ten years from now and hook up with Josh whatisname and I will say I told you so) for attention or whatever and looking mainly stupid. Maybe she was just biding her time until Rob was ready; maybe she had him cooking the whole time. If so how Machiavellian of her. I curtsy.

Anyway, so that began #PettyWapWednesdays the weekly edition.
This was followed by +Wiz Khalifa wait. First, +KanyeWest changed the name of his album from Swish to Waves. And apparently Waves is a thing started by someone called Max B. Wiz, was not here for this change of name because Kanye isn't 'wavy' which I suspect has something to do with weed. Now Mr. West did not hear about this mess until sometime last night (my time). And he went in on Wiz with 17, count them, seventeen tweets on why Wiz needs to fall back and have a stadium of seats.

Some of them were funny; my personal favourite was the one about how we all can't be skinny and tall and wear tight pants. Or the first one where he said he can be petty too. The most cringe-worthy to me is evenly divided between "I own your child", "You let a stripper trap you." and "You wouldn't have a child if it wasn't for me...' basically all the tweets mentioning Bash. OUCH.
Oh and then he told Wiz never to mention him or his wife or his family.
Turned out that all that was unnecessary because Wiz was talking about Khalifa Kush and not Kim Kardashian. Kanye felt silly about it and tweeted that now everything was fine if Wiz wasn't talking about Kim and he's sorry about making Wiz lose 2 million followers.
Then Muva came online.....

Now we all knew as soon as Kanye tweeted 'You let a stripper trap you' that Muva wasn't going to let that shit slide.
She went there.
Sexual proclivities.

At my sister's bridal shower, I told the girls that a guy's erogenous zone is in his ass where there is a cluster of nerves at the prostate. Put your finger up his ass I said. Everyone was like....nope.
Well people, I hate to say it but, I did tell you so.
So when Amber Rose revealed that Kanye West loves it when her finger is up his ass; well obviously Twitter collectively died. Personally I was MJ in Thriller with the popcorn alternating with that fainting grandmother. (Yeah okay, I did not get any work done).

So, the gays in form of huffpost gay issued the proforma protest about kink shaming slash gay bashing in Muva's tweet. Straight men everywhere who have felt the pleasure of the hand in the ass were mumbling about *Amber Rose such a bitch* and *non-disclosure agreement* while Kanye and Kardashian haters were all like YAAAAASSSSS! Porn Hub wanted videographical evidence, Buzzfeed was just randomly tweeting Kanye's tweets and coming up with Polls about "Which Kanye West Tweet are You?" ( I think I'm definitely the we can't all be tall and skinny one) and everyone else was the fainting grandmother.

So then another stripper named Lisa Ann tweets about how she has Kanye dick pics and she's compiling emails from him. Kanye done got the strippers MAD.
On commercial break, Rob Kardashian instagrammed a pic of Blacc Chyna as his #wcw.
Kylie has already called him the devil even though she's the one who got between a man and his family. All Chyna did was be some nigga's baby mama.

Then Queen +Rihanna blessed us with the single #Work (on rihpeat in my ear) and the album #Anti.
Best. January. Week. Ever.

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