Tuesday, 16 January 2018

And Another Thing...

When my sisters and I were growing up, my mother used to give us lectures about men. She told us that once a man gets into your pants, that's it. You'll never see him again. She told us to expect men to attempt to break your heart. Expect them to treat you badly. Have your own money and your own shit because even if you're married to a man, he'll give you the bare minimum and expect you to perform miracles with it. Do not even think about getting married unless you have your own shit. (well she didn't say shit, she said money but you get my meanin').
So growing up I had all these notions embedded in my mind and when I met a guy, I expected him to 1) Try his best to get in my pants. 2) Leave as soon as he managed to get in my pants.
Now for number one, my mother was right on the money. Haven't met a guy who didn't try to get in my pants. I never used to think about it though, the automatic answer was no. In my teens and twenties, it got kind of ridiculous because of the sheer volume.There was no chance to even think about it, the answer was just no because 'I know what you're after.'
Now for the ones who did get in my pants, I totally expected them to not call the next day. Like, to this day, I'm still surprised when they do call. (And they all call). That message was so ingrained. What experience taught me was that no, a guy would not fail to call after he'd had some. He'd keep coming back as long as you let him. Which does not mean he's after anything serious or sincere. He just wants to have sex. For a long time, I suffered cognitive dissonance because I didn't understand why these men were not sticking to the script. It took a while for the understanding to take root. To think that my mother might have been wrong about something.
When I got pregnant, I expected that my baby daddy would also follow the script. Claim it wasn't his, accuse me of sleeping around, like in the movies right? I was cynical from the jump when it came to relationships. The fact that he didn't say those things just made me frown with puzzlement. The fact that he blew hot and cold from one day to the next was just confusing.
I am still on the topic of #metoo by the way. That was just a bit of background to provide context. Just like The Swamp is Full of Mystery and In the Shadow of the Styx provide context for Child of Destiny even as they are complete stories on their own.
I have a son, and I teach him to listen if a girl says no. To listen and back the motherfucking hell off. However...
Y'all people with girl children need to teach them what my mother taught me. Never go to a guy's house unless you want to find yourself fighting him off. (Did my mom teach me that one or did I learn it by experience? I guess we'll never know). Always know how you're getting home if you go out with a guy. Learn to say no early and loudly.
Scream if you can.
Scratch, bite and kick him in the nuts if he still can't hear.
Again, did I learn this by experience or at my mother's knee? Doesn't matter. You can learn it from me.
Now that the scene is set, let's see how our menfolk are doing...
The thing with menfolk though, is that they talk a good game don't they? Take the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. for instance. Yesterday was his birthday and my timeline was chock full of quotes from him. And I was just trying to reconcile this guy talking about being judged for the content of your character with the man who habitually cheated on his wife. And I wondered to myself, is it compartmentalizing? You're a pastor, you're all about integrity, but you're also all about infidelity. Which is the real you?
Bob Marley talking about One Love and sharing his single bed and he's busy fathering children left and right with random women.
And their wives.
Their wives are left behind to pick up the pieces, preserve the legacies, keep his good name alive; when all the while, he was fucking around behind your back. I just don't get it.
Is that little thing between their legs so powerful that they are literally led around by their dicks? Have you seen that drawing where a guy's balls are his brains?
Because I gotta tell you, not even as a woman but as a control freak, if something controlled me that much to the extent that it overrides my so-called morals, my integrity, my way of life...I'd cut it off. No one part of your body should have so much power over you.
As I was doing my morning (okay afternoon) walk today I was listening to some 4:44 and there's this song where Hov talks about his dad being a preacher on Sunday and something else during the week. Something opposite of what he was preaching. And it not only taught Hov about hypocrisy and paying lip service to things, it also led him to study other religions which helped him in self-discovery. And he mused on what a blessing and a curse pain is.
And here you have evidence that men can be deeply thoughtful and maybe also self-aware. It is possible. Which just contributes more to the question of why.
Why do you have all these deep and meaningful thoughts on one day and fail to live up to them for the rest of time? I'm not just talking about making a mistake. I'm talking about making the mistake over and over until it's a way of life.
Reminds me also of Tupac, talking on one hand about women's empowerment and on the other about seeing the same ho in all these videos.
He was a wise one though.
Which leads me to women and ho's.
We're in the age where ho's no longer exist, aren't we? Whatever behavior men display, it's totally and 100% their fault.
The truth is, that Hov didn't have to go looking for Becky, she probably pursued him. MLK probably had the so-called church women congregating around him and ready to do whatever he wanted. Same with Bob Marley. The Karueches of the world are quite willing to get ahead on their backs. So how is a man, a powerful man with women throwing themselves at him day and night (see Aziz Ansari) supposed to tell that, no, this one isn't like the others.
I'll tell you how.
See above.
Say no loudly and continuously.
Scream if you have to.
Kick his balls if you must.
Make him hear you.
Doesn't mean he still won't try to force you. But don't make it ambiguous. Did she want it, didn't she want it?
I saw somewhere on twitter that there is now a contract that you can sign giving your consent for sexual intercourse. They should add a checklist of do's and don'ts so that you can check off whatever you're not willing to do and what you are. Everyone signs, it's all nice and legal.
Of course, that takes the romance away from dating. And women, we are so contrary, will probably get annoyed that they have to sign contracts instead of being wined and dined and wooed.
I don't understand women much either.

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