Thursday, 5 October 2017


Have you ever had a book launch give you mood swings until it feels like maybe you're undergoing menopause? No? Just me then?
Today I woke up feeling like everything I ever wrote is trash. Have you ever felt like that? It all began when I checked my texts and saw this book club was discussing reading and reviewing In Search of Paradise. One of my literati members is a member of that group so they'd brought it up. And it seemed like people were up for it, and enthusiastic - kind of- about reviewing and even referring me to other reviewers...all very positive right? Well yes, it was, but somehow it just made me doubt every single word I wrote like, "Oh God, what are these strangers gonna think of me?"

This is not me.
You can ask my son and he'll tell you, "Mummy ain't scared of nothin'" - hopefully in grammatically correct English.
Ask anyone who has known me for like five minutes. I am truly one of those people who just doesn't give a fuck about other people's opinions. But here I am, second-guessing myself, wanting to find another profession, eating chocolate for breakfast...okay maybe I'd have done that last one anyway. The point is, I'm all discombobulated.
Over a book.
Maybe this is it; menopause is here.
Or I'm just a self-absorbed dickhead. One or the other.
It's freaking me out going from being Kanye to...I don't know, somebody who doubts themselves.

Maybe it's stepping out of my comfort zone? Probably. You think this is how Colin Kaepernick felt - and I am in no way comparing myself to him; he's my hero - when he decided to take a knee? Just hooo, okay here goes nothing. But expecting criticism and whatever from the masses and just letting it roll over him and still, do what he thought was right?
I mean this isn't that serious I guess but it's a problem. It's a problem in this society and many people would look at this couple and start quoting bible scripture at me. That's okay. What I fear most is that maybe I took this bit of culture and didn't' do a good job representing it. It's a responsibility and maybe I failed. Or that's how I feel today.
Well anyway, there's one cure for self-absorption and that's looking outside yourself and turning your attention to someone or something else. Another member of my literati squad wrote a blog post today about the origin of Jaluos. My beta reader, Ben, who is American told me that I need to include a glossary in my book for my non-Kenyan readers so they can understand all the very Kenyan references. Well, I didn't do a glossary but I did do footnotes. However, there are always blanks to fill and if you wanna know more about Ben's Jaluoness, read this article. Curiously it also talks about not letting our origins define us....serendipity perhaps?

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